Self Acceptance

Self Acceptance

Society has a difficult time recognizing an individuals needs when they are outside the norm. How do we cope with that when we become part of a lifestyle or community that  dictates obscurity as the norm?

I have always lived by the mantra: Either they’ll accept me as I am or I don’t need them in my life. That has led to some difficult personal decisions. I have put myself out there time and again only to be rejected for my personal philosophies. For many years this was very difficult and at times still can be. Yet, I have learned that it is worth it to remain true to who I am. Why should I waver in being true to myself and accepting myself just because somebody else has a negative or uninformed view of my interests and  choices?

Everybody in my life has a different level of comfort and acceptance about my lifestyle. My mother doesn’t want to hear specifics, but is glad that I am confident and happy in my life. My father asks lots of questions and tells me how he giggles at random golden shower videos he has found online. My husband’s Aunt thinks I recreate the non-consensual rape scene from Pulp Fiction for every session. My ex-fiance’s mother jokingly said, “maybe you can whip that girl into shape.” I have even had a relationship that was very engaging until I realized that I was a personal ideal for my partner and not an actual individual in their eyes. I was appreciated for my personal freedom, the fact that I lived life as I chose and not how others expected me to live. On many levels most would think this to be a beautiful and acceptable way to view your partner. But when your partner is only viewing you as an ideal, and not a reality, they never have the opportunity to truly know you for who you are. At some point I had to recognize that I was the poster child for an ideal lifestyle that my partner was incapable of expressing on their own and in turn they were living through me vicariously. I can’t live as an ideal. I live rooted firmly in reality and wish for my partner to take part in that reality with me.

Living life freely, based on your own desires and beliefs, is not for the faint of heart. I recognize it takes courage to risk rejection by those you care for and love. I’m sure that is why it takes so many gay people so long to come out. Likewise, in the BDSM community you have to decide who you will divulge your secrets to for fear of rejection and social repercussions.

I have been blessed to have been raised by a family that always expected me to be true to myself. My parents, and even my Grandparents, are aware of my lifestyle. In divulging this information, even to them, there is an extent to which they have to separate what they know of what I do with who I am. I will happily tell them every detail of my philosophies and interests if they wish to know them. But all they really want to know is that I am happy in my choices and they want me to know that they love me because of who I am at my core. They recognize that the very foundation of who I am and who they love is purveyed in all that I do. Based on that, they can see that I would not do anything harmful and that I must have a good reason for my involvement in BDSM and polyamoury. They know that the good person I am at my heart is reflected in every aspect in my life and regardless of the fact that it deviates from their known world they recognize that it must be a healthy alternative even if it is unfamiliar to them.

In my youth I realized the more honest I became with myself the more honest my interactions with others became. Over time, I simply couldn’t tolerate anyone being in my life that didn’t have an equal measure of truth that they lived by. This type of self acceptance leads to a healthier interaction and lifestyle and the type of freedom that so many dream of. The pursuit can be wearisome as we gradually have to let go of those who don’t live up to their own truths. It is never an easy journey finding an internal place of peace that balances with our daily lives. It is nice to have at least one or two confidants in which we can reflect our true selves. Hopefully those people that allow us to express our inner truths are lovers or best
friends.

Each individual has to determine how honest with themselves they wish to be and in turn they will dole out honesty to others in their life accordingly. There is also the reality of determining how much honesty those in our lives wish to truly know. When it comes down to it we have to decide as individuals how much honesty those we care for can truly handle. How well do you know your friends and family? How verbally intimate are you with each other? How accepting are they of the world and different cultures? These are all facets that factor into what we tell each other. But at the end of the day, if we were all honest with ourselves and chose to be completely honest with each other, I think that we would find there aren’t so many differences between us as one might think.

Recognizing that not everyone can freely express all aspects of their fantasies in their daily lives I respect my co-explorers’ privacy and use discretion in each interaction whether it be a private session or a public immersion experience.

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